Strong Perspective, Loosely Held

Wix media image, Open Hands

It's International Coaching week, and I've been thinking about the impact that coaching has made in my life - and where it could have made a difference if I only had a time machine!

After I completed my masters degree, I found myself working in a senior manager role in a new-to-me industry, with a brand-new level of creative control and independence. I had previously worked in a heavily-regulated industry, reporting to a very directive leader who wanted things done his way, which was synonymous with The Right Way. For years, I bemoaned my lack of ownership over my sphere, and dreamed of the day when I would be free to make recommendations, offer design choices, or even state my opinion in a staff meeting. I was eager for more responsibility, more of a domain, more impact.

My second week in the new-to-me industry, my manager sat me down and announced, "We need to design a learning program for district managers at our annual company meeting." He looked at me expectantly. "Ok, sure," I answered. "What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to design a learning program for district managers," he answered.

I laughed. "I got that. What competencies did you want it to be about? What do they need to learn?"

His answer made me break out in a cold sweat: "What do YOU think they need to learn?"

Here it was, my chance at truly independent work, and instead of feeling excited or energized, I felt desperate to be told what to do. He was asking what I thought? What did I know?

My imposter syndrome kicked in hard during that conversation. I struggled to feel confident in my expertise. I had 12 years of experience, a masters degree, and a good head on my shoulders. Surely I had insights to offer. And yet a strong perspective - in fact, any perspective - on What To Do felt elusive.

Looking back I wish I had a coach in that moment. She could have worked with me on challenging my inner critic, addressing my fear of failure, and unlearning unhealthy habits. A coach who could help me develop a compelling vision for what great looks like: for district managers, for my company, and for myself.

Fast forward a few months. I had powered through my lack of confidence with an outward display of bravado, hoping my insides would catch up. Unfortunately, as often happens when you try to make a big change from the outside-in, I had over-indexed on having a STRONG perspective, and buried my vulnerability, and along with it, some authenticity.

One day, a leader and I disagreed on the right next step for a company-facing activity I was leading. I dug in, becoming more and more recalcitrant and annoyed. I did not listen to their concerns, nor did I try to find common ground we could both live with. Finally, they pulled rank, demanding I make a change. By the end of that exchange, I had lost a significant part of the influence I had been building, in service of nothing but my ego. I mistakenly thought that to have a strong perspective meant you had to go down fighting for it. My way or the highway, I told myself.

Again, I find myself wishing for a coach with a time machine. I wish there had been someone to ask me, What was most important in that moment? How would a great and well-respected leader handle this kind of disagreement? Who do I want to be when things don't go my way? What's another perspective that could help me get unstuck from my assumptions and old habits?

Years later, a mentor introduced me to the concept of Strong Perspective, Loosely Held, and it changed my life. This concept has helped me become the kind of leader who draws on both my expertise and my vulnerability, who can not only offer ideas but also listen, synthesize, and compromise in the service of what's most important.

It is a mercy that I learned so much from those experiences without the benefit of a learning partner to help me reflect, find my purpose, challenge my assumptions, and energize me for the hard work of growth. These days my goal is to be the coach I wish I had in those moments, and to keep showing up with openness, strength, and humility, because there's always a next big thing to learn.

Coaching is life changing self-work done in the shelter of a relationship whose only purpose is to help you grow. It is some of the hardest and best work I've ever done, the most impactful on my growth, and the best investment I've made in my own capacity. Everyone should have a coach. If you are looking for a fast-path to personal transformation, or want to work with someone who has struggled with this shit specifically, reach out!