How NOT To Make A Big Decision

If there were no right answer, what else would you measure success by?

Rodin's "The Thinker" (image from Pixabay)

My son is in the last stage of his college application journey, the part where all the admission letters have been delivered and it is time to decide where he will spend the next 4 years. He's got it narrowed down to two schools, which could not be more different from each other. One is in a city and one is in a town. One is huge and one is tiny. One is close to home and one is far, far away. You'd think, being so different from each other, that the "right choice" would stand out with big neon arrows.

Nope.

When anything is possible, how do you know which way to go?

For me, making a big decision can come with a kind of paralysis. What's the right answer? How can I avoid making a mistake? What if six months, three years, twenty years down the line, I regret my choice? What if the other path would have been better at delivering X, Y, or Z? I trace imaginary journeys in my head, trying to tell the future. I am tempted to hedge my bets, to find the least risky way forward.

This is a terrible way to make a big decision.

Why? Because when I am asking those questions I am the smallest version of myself I can be. I am scared, hesitant, tentative. I am obsessed with getting it right - as if "right" exists. As if I am being graded. As if correctness is the way to measure a life well-lived.

Making a big decision requires imagination, a willingness to dream, and courage. Each is born from an internal big-ness, a rising up inside yourself, right to the edge of your capacity and tolerance for uncertainty. The question is not what should I do so much as who do I want to be?

It has taken me a long time to answer that question with confidence. I want to be authentic and brave. I want to be a beacon of integrity and justice. I want to be an expert, someone who can contribute powerful insights from my knowledge and experience. I want to be a facilitator, someone who can bring out the best in others by asking questions, building relationships, and connecting ideas. I want to be a creative contributor to the world. I want to care for, nurture, and grow others with boundless, joyful love.

When I get centered on the values that embody who I want to be, my sense of what's possible starts to shift. I am no longer trying to protect myself from failure; I am dreaming of something big I could bring into being. What felt impossibly risky now feels exciting, energizing. Powerful. Possible.

If my son wanted advice from me (oh happy day!) about how to make this decision, here's what I would tell him:

Don't make a choice based on how to avoid risk or manage a bevy of potential consequences. Make a choice based on who you want to be, what you care most about, and what inside you might be brought to life. What are you willing to take a stand for? What values will you honor? What would affirm the kind of life you want to life?

If there were no right answer, what else would you measure success by?

For me, the answer to that one is, I would measure success by how I showed up. Brave. Big-hearted. Believing in who I want to be.

It took me until I was 35 before I started showing up to my life this way. I hope my son gets there way sooner. I hope he feels empowered to make big, brave choices that take a stand for who he wants to be. If that is the way he makes the choice, any outcome will be better than right. It will be his.